Lumps on bumps that we don’t talk about

Today my peaches, we’re going to chat about those lumps on bumps that we don’t talk about.

Similar to mental health, there seems to be a segregated section of our physical health that has a slight taboo around it; the private parts.

I have no idea why they’re called that. I mean the people who raised you will have seen these private parts as a child, numerous partners will, as well as friends if you’re that drunk / comfortable person. You do you.

My point being, the likelihood is, they ain’t so private.

So why do we keep it hush hush when we have a feel and find a lump on an aforementioned bump?

It’s not embarrassing if something is different on your boobs, noo noo, penis or balls. It’s worrying. Tell someone.

Know your body. Feel it, touch it, squeeze it, how does it feel? (Also fat is not an answer I will take to this question, nor squidgy chunky etc. you get the picture).

Does it feel like it did last week? Last month?

Without a doubt I check my boobs thoroughly once a month (as you should) but probably have a little look most days getting in and out the shower, as well, in the words of Joey Tribune you look down and there they are.

I can see if something is different.

And yes, this has paid off. I began to notice some pain, which of course could be numerous things, but my mind jumped to, YOU ARE PREGNANT.

Two tests later and infinite googling about my pill effectiveness and nope, not pregnant.

Probably just hormones then? Everything looked fine and felt fine, so I continued.

Bar the ridiculous bruising I seem to have from moving house and having to pee during the night in the dark, generally my skin is it’s usual pale self doing it’s normal thing.

After about a week of pain, I’d decided it was my pill causing it, I had another feel and the tissue was harder, slightly lumper on one boob, while the other seemed to have grown. Not grown exactly, it was larger, like it had been blown up a bit.

I thought it was a bit strange, but nothing groundbreakingly odd.

A few days later the time had arrived again for my monthly in depth rummage. The pain had been going on for the full ten days to two weeks now and I found some small little pea sized lumps around the firmer tissue in one boob. The one that hurt more.

Now, my Dad has died from a brain tumour, as did my Grandad, my Aunty had and recovered from breast cancer, one of my best friends had ovarian cancer; it would have been very easy to freak out and panic. Tell no one, so it didn’t exist.

But I did what I tell everyone to do and what those people just mentioned are reminders to do – I phoned the doctors. Obviously I couldn’t get an appointment, so I phoned 111 answered their bizarre questions and then was referred back to my GP who saw me an hour later.

He examined my little pea bumps on my pomegranates (My Dad Wrote a Porno podcast reference there) and decided to refer me to the breast clinic. It could be cancer, he said, but it’s unlikely as you just are symptomatic, you don’t have any signs of cancer. Well, good.

But to be sure, as he could feel the lumps, he referred me to the breast clinic at Peterborough hospital. I left the surgery, text my Mum and boyfriend and went back to work to wait for my referral letter.

Do you know what, none of that was that scary?

Even someone saying it might be cancer was not that scary, as I’ve been vigilant. I’ve checked my bumps, I’ve harassed the understaffed NHS to see me and they’ve squeezed me in to have a squeeze of me. The kind overworked souls.

Within three days I’d received my letter to make an appointment with the clinic for the next two weeks, which could be up to four in reality at this time of year.


Really? I thought the appointment was to get a KFC and whack my tits out for random people.

Just don’t think it’s a necessary inclusion in the letter, everyone knows why you’re referred, your GP will have explained.

Chances are it’s this section of the letter that prevents you from getting one of your bumps out and checking them.

Yes it could be cancer but it could also be your glands, your hormones, a benign lump, a change in your muscle, an STI, rash, whatever. Could be a million things, just cancer might be on that list too.

Of course they don’t list all the cancers on the table either:

Stage one cancer, a manageable and unlikely to come back form of cancer that you should get the all clear from with a few steps.

Stage two cancer, still manageable, with the potential to come back sometime in the future, that again you should get over and get an all clear or be living with for years and years. It’s an unwanted guest, but you’re used to them being there.

Stage three, a bit trickier, will want a bit of a fight, but again, a few rounds of treatment, maybe an operation and you might be okay, it might be manageable.

Stage four, (which my Dad had) well we can’t make promises at this stage, it’s an aggressive little bastard, but we’ll do our best to fight it.

It’s a grade not just cancer; it could be cancer whose popped by and will be sent on it’s way in a few months never to be seen again or it could be the cancer that’s here to stay and is going to cause havoc.

But either way, ignoring or hiding the lump on any part of your body doesn’t help anyone involved. Get it out, tell people about the lumps.

I have a lump on my ball.

I have a lump in my boob.

There’s a hard bit near my crotch.

There’s a growth near my foof.

Likelihood is, you don’t know what it is – you aren’t a doctor – which means you’re going to have to get it out for someone else to tell you what it is. And do you know what?


It’s just maybe people around you haven’t told you that they had a lump before on a bump, as well, when do you bring that up?

There isn’t really a coffee time for lumps on bumps talk (even though there should be).

All of my Aunties, my Mum, my Mum’s friends have been to the breast clinic at the hospital. They were all referred by their GPs to have a scan as they’d found something that needed checking.

I got nervous before I went in, but it was absolutely fine. I was seen first by a Male doctor for the screening and then by a man for the ultrasound. He explained that my glands had grown over a little bit of fat and that had been the lump that I felt.

It was completely normal. He said,

“It’s always worth getting it checked out, and today it’s good news.”

YAY. I ate chocolate to celebrate #health.

But I say the same to you, it’s always worth getting something unusual on your body checked out. It might be something, it is most likely nothing, but you know for sure – there’s no sneaky surprises.

You’re not wasting anyone’s time, you are just looking out for yourself.

If in doubt, Coppafeel have a great Boob Check 101 to carry out every month.

The NHS have also have straightforward guidelines to check your testicles.

Be vigilant my peaches, check yourself often and don’t shy away from conversations around lumps on humps/lady lumps/bumps. It might just save your life.

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