We need to normalise not texting back when we aren’t OK

At a time when we’ve never needed friends more, it’s been more difficult than ever to sustain friendships. It’s likely that you haven’t seen some of your ride or die best pals for almost a year during the pandemic, unless they live nearby and as I’ve said before, we all envy you if that’s the case! You are living the dream.

I’m sure you’re even surprised by who has been there for you during this time, some friendships might have become even stronger, while others will have fizzled out a few weeks in. We’ve been limited to FaceTimes around work and general life responsibilities and with everything we’ve had to deal with this past year on top of that, sometimes we’ve forgotten to hit reply to that message.

Of course, some people are born awful repliers (you know who you are) and it’s just part of your charm (with or without a pandemic) that it takes 3-5 working days to get a response from you. Yet, when we don’t get a reply from one of our more phone-friendly friends, we tend to assume that we’re the problem, when what we need to think is I wonder if they’re OK?

If a friend’s replies are sporadic or they keep bailing on organising a FaceTime or meet up, they’re not necessarily being a flaky or bad friend. Sure, not hearing from people for weeks or months on end is usually an ongoing sign that someone is flaky or simply moving on from your friendship. But when it’s someone you know well and this pattern of not replying to messages feels quite new, it’s likely that they aren’t doing so great. Maybe mentally they’re struggling or physically they’re swamped with work, kids, a pile of washing the size of their floor.

On social media we see people taking breaks all the time, people literally announce that they’re taking a break from communication on their platforms. Therefore, it’s pretty natural that we take breaks from texting, we just don’t text everyone in our Contact List to tell them that’s what we’re doing. It’s one of my least favourite paradoxes that when you’re struggling you kind of need to talk to someone about how you feel, but you also don’t have the energy to message them and explain how you feel.

Research has found that 25% of 25-34 year olds feel lonely ‘often’ or ‘all of the time’. Yet, in spite of this collective loneliness we’re still cancelling zoom calls and not responding to messages as we don’t have mental capacity or energy to reply even though it would make us and our friends feel better.  

Instead of blaming friends for being inconsistent with messages or labelling them as flaky, we need to normalise not texting back when we aren’t OK. It is normal to take breaks from communication when you don’t feel well. I find the best thing to do when I’m on the receiving end of this behaviour is doing whatever works best for my mental health on that day too. Sometimes that will be popping through a quick message to say I’m here or see how they are. On other days I leave it and wait until they’re ready to talk again.

Friendships (like all relationships) are based on trust, if they’re meant to be in your life and they truly are a good friend, they’ll always be back eventually. If not, it’s their loss my sweet.

Do you think we need to normalise not texting back when we aren’t OK?